Pondering the New Year

Resolutions.

That word is in everyones mind as the new year approaches. People come up with all sorts of things. Stuff like weight loss, learning something new, and finding love end up on people's to-do lists for the upcoming year.

What's that you say? You're DYING to know what my resolution is?

I couldn't say. I don't know.

In years past I've written down things like weight loss( which EVERYONE does, I assure you I forgot it after January 1st, also like everyone else), learning guitar or piano, improving vocally, and getting a boyfriend.

This year I'm not quite sure what my focus is gonna be. Well, that's not entirely true.

You see, I just came up with something, and I think it sounds pretty darn good.

Ready for this?

I'm gonna be STRONGER.

Woah

You know WHY I fail every year?

It's because I'm a weak little girl who freaks out at the stupidest little things and I FAIL at the things I know I'm supposed to be doing. Things that God wants me to do!! That's the key thing right there. I look at things other than the God who loves me and prioritize them WAY above Him. It's STUPID and I CAN'T live life the way I've been doing it. God is never going to give me the BIG things that I have been created to do if I freak out and run away from the little things He's asking me to handle right now.

Know what's even crazier?

I'm just making this up right now, 5 minutes ago I didn't think I was doing much of anything in the new year.

But God already had plans, and I'd be an idiot to not recognize what I'm obviously supposed to be doing.

Strengthening my relationship with God.

That ALONE is going to make me a stronger person. But God doesn't give you strength. There's no burst of courage burning inside you after you say a little prayer.

No. God doesn't give you strength. He CAN, but that's not how He's ever chosen to do things with me.

He gives you times where you NEED to be strong and expects that you know and love Him well enough to TRUST HIM. You never get stronger. That's God's strength that gets you through things, and being able to rely on that only comes from knowing His word. You need to constantly rely on His strength, because if we were constantly the ones getting stronger, we'd end up thinking we don't need Him.

But we do.

So yeah. I guess then I'm not asking for strength because that contradicts my whole statement. I guess what I'm asking for is faith.

I don't want to handle things on my own. But I can handle them just fine if I have the faith that God is right by my side.

I'd take relying on God over my own strength any day!

So BRING IT ON NEW YEAR!!

There's nothing I won't be able to handle with God at my side, but I dare you to throw all you got at me!!

What I Am Dealing With

Yeah. I know I posted something about insecurity before.

But there's feelings that go DEEPER and grip STRONGER than any insecurities. It all stems from that of course, but there's much more uglier, darker forms of insecurity that most of us deal with.

Self HATRED

Self Pity

Addictions

EXTREME Worry

It's all there, and I needed to admit that to the world, letting people know and just saying it feel wonderful. I can't say it's all gonna go away because of this, but I can say that admittance comes before acceptance, and WAY before healing ever happens.

I've had to think about all these feelings...I won't go deeper than that, but when I have the chance people are gonna know about how fake I've been, how disgusting the monster inside of me is, and how God heals people. He HEALS them, completely. I'm not anywhere near healed yet, but I know that if anyone can get me there, God can.

So I have hope, hope that will NEVER fade. God has me in His hands, and He isn't going to let go.

Insecurity

I think this whole blogging thing is a wonderful spot to admit something I've been struggling with for a long time, I've got nothing to hide.

I struggle with disgustingly bad insecurity.

I've never truly thought I was pretty, interesting, talented or worth anything at all.

What's worse is for years I've made myself believe a man could make it better.

I don't care how gorgeous or charming the guy is...they can't fix it.

But GOD can.

I started reading Beth Moore's book titled "So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend to Us". It's AMAZING. God has shown me amazing things through this book, like the fact that the only person keeping me as a socially awkward freak was myself. I read this book and it hit me that most women have insecurity problems, it's not just me.

God is slowly healing my heart of all the damage I've done to it, whether it was throwing myself at a guy or killing myself with my nasty self esteem.

I'm not gonna live with it anymore, and God's gonna help me destroy all this insecurity crap.